Fresh start

OK - here is the deal. I look at America is one big movie - or rather many, many, many movies happening at the same time.

What? Yes. Just hear me out. I was thinking this when I was in Maui, sitting on the diving boat with a faux Owen Wilson type, complete with Tommy Bahama shorts, bleached blond "I just woke up looking like this" hair telling us everything he knew about turtles and flirting with all the ladies. Yes, he thought he was Owen Wilson, and had the total Maui lifestyle down pretty good. This included pulling up last minute in a Jeep with surfboard tied to the roof to take us out on our epic adventure. Solid!

You Americans have the ability to reinvent yourself. It's easy... just follow this step by step guide:
Pick a city. Any city. For this example, let's say we want to live in ... oh well I don't know... say Austin Texas. OK. So
pack up your stuff, move to Austin. Get your cowboy hat. Make sure you wear the jeans.. pretty soon you are driving an F150 or a Dodge Ram, hanging out at the local bar waiting your turn to ride the mechanical bull. Perfect.

Let's say you get tired of the old cowboy routine.. that's OK.... you :

Move to L.A. Rent a shitty motel room and go to every audition imaginable, wait tables until you want to scream.. and never land that perfect role. That is OK because it WILL happen, you are making sure it does and to seal the deal you are banging the producer at his Malibu beach house in between auditions, while his wife is at a yoga retreat in Santa Barbara (banging the yoga instructor 20 years younger than she is).

Never did land that movie role? That's ok. You want to try your luck in

Alaska. Yes, you long for the solitude of the wilderness. Get on the next Alaska airlines flight, to Juneau or Fairbanks. Go to the local k-mart (they have them there too now) purchase your checkered mac jacket.. get your fishing gear out, buy a rusty truck, complain about the cruise ships, brag about how cold it really could be and that you have been in colder weather.

For a little while enjoy being the only woman around for 100 miles - that is until you realized that all there are up here are really hairy bearded men who are social rejects. Some time passes and that damn sun never goes down and you can't sleep at all during the summer. Suddenly the thought of never being invited to another party and having to sit in this ugly, cold log cabin playing cards (shudder) with a guy you really don't like named Dan freaks you out, so you quickly pack and head to:

New York! Yes, you shop for sport not for fun, make sure you are on the guest list at all the clubs. You and half of your friends are starving artists, but that is OK because you can take tuns banging each other and then feel awkward and never talk about it, but it totally improves your artistic process and you sit around all day talking about all of your other feelings over coffee in some random place where some 16 year olds are taking turns sticking safety pins in each others necks.

You live off the gratis wine and cheese at all of the gallery and play openings you get invited to. Your wealthy 50 year old married boyfriend (who's wife does not understand him ) buys you the coveted hot pink Luis Vuitton wallet you have always wanted then does not call you again. 3 weeks and many late nights spent crying and sitting at friends drinking gin and going over all the gory details of your failed relatonship with a man waaayyy to old to date, you spot him at a gallery opening making out with your ex-roommate - and she is clutching the very same hot pink Luis Vuitton wallet he gave to you.

Why do I think this is unfair? Because I am am not an American. I may be North American, but that 49th parallell definatley draws the line. I have very few options If I want to move. There are only really a handful of cities I can go to, and let's be honest, Any further east than Vancouver and I am asking for trouble - and stupid winters that go on for 9 months.

I can pretend to be french and move to Quebec. I can pretend to hate the rest of Canada and move to Toronto. I can move to the prairies and pretend I am more important than I really am and always talk about guns and oil and how big my house is.... or I can stay put on the coast and enjoy my temperate climate, European house prices, insane taxes and the fact that there are no happy hours with food that is only $2.00 like there is in the states.

That is why my passport is so damn important to me. 30 Km's to the south of me is a whole land of "theme parks" that I can visit, but can't stay at. You, my American friends have the ability to move and morph yourself to a whole new being whenever the moment takes you. For that I am envious.

I think I need to go and pay more taxes now or something to take my mind off all of this.