Breaking Eggs

There will be one tiny piece of shell in the egg. Always. No matter how much I try to fish it out with the whisk or a fork, I always have to use my forefinger to push its hard, tiny, porous surface against the side of the white ceramic mixing bowl and slide it up and over the rim and then put it in the compost.

I will nearly always open the self sealing bag of shredded cheese wrong, causing the zip-lock fastener to fail.

I will keep eating awful food if I am in a horrible mood, expecting it to get better even though it does not, and then feel disappointed in the food, then in myself for continuing to eat something that does not taste good. Then I feel icky and angry and disappointed - not the best way to be.

The day after I dust, there will be dust on the buffet again. Mocking me. Yes, It so IS mocking me.

The exact outfit I want to wear that day will be in the washing machine – having not been placed in the dryer the night before, as good as my intentions were. I don’t usually realize this until I am just about dressed and have 15 minutes before I have to be somewhere.... darn it!

When the phone rings, that is the exact time that my dog needs to go outside for a walk.

Just when I think I am done with socializing, when I get hurt by selfish and selfless people trying to drag me into their darkness, It turns out I am not done. I won’t become hermit woman. I get to do or see a fabulous show, attend an art opening , or meet my fabulous friendsfor coffee or lunch, or dinner or to drink wine with. For that, I am forever grateful and honoured to know such lovely people.

Touch, feel, freak out from amazement

Texture. I freaking luv textures. Hang out with me long enough and you will watch me fondle plants, wine bottles, napkins,
dogs shaggy coats, felting....

There is nothing like the feeling of your feet on a cool marble floor, or the way it feels when you first push your hands into your angora gloves, and It is killer the way it feels when you slip into a warm bath and never mind how awesome it is to slide between as set of cool 400+ thread count sheets and a fluffy duvet at the end of a long day. I am longing for the cold, cold weather so that I can wear my wool coat, angora gloves, plush scarves, warm cashmere tights/leggings and enjoy the assorted feeling of the multi textures. I bought a great big felt purse with huge grommets which while they look awesome together are complete sensory opposites. That is why I purchased it. I love the hard, cold metal grommets against the soft but non-yielding felting.


Today I headed down to Granville Island to try on some boots that were ordered in for me. While there I noticed all the amazing textures of the buildings and took a few quick snaps with my iphone as my camera was nowhere to be found. I must have looks like a complete nutter "caressing" the sides /skins of all the buildings. But I was in pure heaven. I recalled a photo essay I did years and years ago when I was at Emily Carr... Granville island is a great place, one of smells, tastes, touches and amazing colours. Hard to resist photos.

I am off - going out, but first I will pull on a warm woolly skirt.

xo

Seattle dog on the move.

I am if nothing else, a bit of a self confessed sucker for dogs. I have a dog. I love my dog. I love my dog so damn much I just want to squish her into a million tiny pieces.... enough said.

Other dogs, well I just want to scoop them up, take them home because obviously they need to be with me and are terribly unhappy in their regular lives.

Forget crazy cat lady.... I am going to be the dog woman. hahahahha. right. not. I had better stick with just one for now - for now anyhow.

xo

sauvages

This is the mean time of year. Think about it.
Trees are dying, shades of crimson, orange, yellow. The days are getting shorter. Clothing is getting woollier
and thought of sitting on a couch with a roaring fire are dominating my mind more and more these days.
Last night I heard coyotes through the late night fog - such a haunting and beautiful sound.

The sun has retreated south, and no longer shines through my large bedroom windows, but sets in the tiny window on the far south west wall. I strain to watch it from my vantage point set over the southern tip of Vancouver Island and dip down below the jagged peaks of the Olympic peninsula.

I am feeling rather ravenous - steak, wine and company would be good medicine.

Red Room

Very productive weekend thus far. 3 new babies/families visited, hugs, kisses and wine. Last minute dinners out
with friends that have spanned the decades. All this and I have been paining my townhouse.

Dining room is red. Vermilion Red. Gorgeous red.

And amongst all this abundance and fun this weekend, when I lay my head on my pillow, all i can think is that I want to throw faux firs on the hardwoods and feed you vodka and oysters in my new red room while a snowstorm rages outside.
How completely bolshevik of me.


xoxo

Hey you!

Dear idiot in who kept honking @ me to turn left into pedestrians:
You, driving your car made out of what looks like 2 different pre 90's moldy oldsmobiles, eating your Mc crappy lunch and honking/yelling at me (with food flying out of your horrible mouth no less)
Me; I drive a bmw. I had steak for lunch, and oh, my life is no where near as shitty as yours - hope the honking and yelling for no reason made your shitty self feel better.
PS - no matter how much you honk and yell, sorry, but I won't run over a pedestrian so you can get back to your trailer park faster. Oh and chew with your mouth closed.

An open letter to my clothes.

Dear recently baggy clothing,

I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for being there for me when I needed you. Thank you for keeping me warm and supporting my more than ample body. Thank you for being there for me when I had no idea what I was going to wear - you were all so patient with me when I would put you on in a rush or quickly removed you and threw you on the bed in disgust.

Please know that I was not angry with you. It's not your fault that you did not look that great on me. It's not your fault that I would usually go shopping with my eyes shut, hold you up close to my body and glance quickly in the mirror at the store, buy you without trying you on and keep my fingers crossed that things would work out when we got home.

But lately, i have been worried about you. It seems that you don't want to cling to me as much as you used to. I got so used to that snug feeling we had. I would put you on, and you would slide so nicely next to my skin, supporting me, making me feel as if you loved me. These past few weeks I could feel us growing apart. It started slowly at first, a t-shirt here, a neckline there... and then today? Today my tights started slipping down when I was out for a walk. Yes, I noticed when I put them on that they were a little "baggier" than I am used to. But I thought that perhaps the dryer was up to it's old tricks again. But my underpants have been doing the same thing lately - nearly falling down when I walk.. and I have to confess.. I am loving this.

Does this mean it is over between us? Does this mean I have to go and look for new clothing, perhaps a few sizes smaller, and younger than you guys? I tried for so long to keep things exactly as you all wanted them. I kept you close and sung and warm, but my friends perhaps it is a good time for us to part ways, as I am not so happy with the way you look and even though I thought I would be happy, I am just not. Sorry. That is just the way it is.

I think to make this as painless as possible I am going to sneak into my closet when you are just hanging around, pick you up and take you for a ride. There is this lovely donation box party happening tonight, and your invitation just came via facebook. I have taken the liberty to click "Attending" and it is expecting all of you to show up.


;)

The accidental toursit?

Ok - so now we are past the 6 month mark. 6 whole months since I have been part of a project or a team, or work, or work issues. You would think that would be awesome, but actually it is not.

I have had a little too much time on my hands and have gone back and forth to Seattle, Victoria, Campbell River etc... to name a few places a few too many times. I have been to Hawaii, been in amazing expensive boutique hotels, stayed in motel dives, been to more scooter rallys that I can count, and I still can't seem to feel as if I were actually a part of it.

I feel like my life is a slow moving motion picture, and I am watching from the sidelines. Especially since I injured my ankle last month. I was walking 2 - 3 hours a day, exercising and losing weight, and then bam. I make a stupid mistake at a water slide and I am set back. Some mornings it hurts to get out of bed. Others I am ok, but only for a little while. I have done this before - so this ankle is the weak one which get to be re-injured time and time again. I never know when or how or how long it will take to heal. All I know is that I am really frustrated and this is not helping matters.

Oh yeah, it is also approaching my birthday. I can't even spit out the number. I can scarcely believe I am that old. I keep pretending I am not that old. I surround myself with people that are younger than myself, not on purpose, but they just happen to share the same passion I do. It does not help actually. It does not help me at all. All they seem to do is want to point out how un-cool I am and how they think I have never done the same things that they are doing - which is funny, as I have done everything they have an more. They seem to take people at face value and if you are not at the very moment in Art school, or summering in France, or speaking french or painting, writing, dancing, shooting artful photograps, running away on a whim......that you have never done any of these things.

Ok - now I am just ranting. AND I am cranky. Damn ankle. Maybe I am getting old. Old and grumpy. I will let it go and face this next year with dignity - and with a martini I hope, surrounded by people that love me and with a delicious coconut cake and a bottle of wine from a very special tiny place in france.

Here is hoping.

xoxoox

Call me Jane

So I decided to bake today. I am doing many home based activities these days. Painting, framing and hanging photos, re-arranging furniture. Making potato salad, pasta salads, and now baking. I do believe I am channelling my mother and have this urgent need to nest for some reason.

That and I think I nearly killed my dog today. Well perhaps the heat did - she is lying on the patio and has been there since 10am. I bought Aspen a new ball chucker thingy and keeping in mind that I forget she is nearly 12, I threw the ball for her about 28 times at her favourite park today - and she ran and ran after it and returned it like a puppy so I tend to forget she is old bones now. Must have been a combo of all that heat and her long fir but she has been panting and laying down for hours now. Excuse me while I go dump some water on the poor creature.

Oh yes, that and I have updated my resume and am sending it out on a daily basis.... time to take a deep breath and put myself out there. Nearly 6 months off now - very long vacation and I need to stimulate my brain and be with grown ups soon. Renuneration is a good thing too. I do like the money.

Off to watch the fireworks from the roof. Night!

Eat those feelings lady.

What a week and it is only Wednesday.

I am trying to look at things differently. I am trying to move forward each and every day, and not base the day's expectations on the previous days experiences. That is I am setting out daily and not expecting anything. Nothing from nobody. Even if I am told something is going to happen, or somebody will call / meet up, things will happen... etc. I am being casual and open to everything.

You see, one of my flaws is that I am a huge planner. And sometimes not in the good way. Well, actually sometimes in a good way, the way employers or friends that ask you to go and do things for them kinda way. I'm the one to call if I am slipping across the boarder and you need me to pick up those shoes you can't get in Campbell River, or that micro brew that is only sold in Seattle....I usually will say "OK" and then plan my return trip around the task, putting my desire to get home quickly and sleep on hold. Sigh.

The way I usually think or pre-think of things, or situations, or anything is to plan what I am going to wear, what I am going to do or say, where I am going to go, and as much as predict the outcome of said outing.

Did you read that? PREDICT THE OUTCOME. Really. Apparently the old me thought that i could control situations / people, etc....

Usually what would happen is that things did not go the way I planned or wanted them to go, and then I would get this crushing feeling of overwhelming disappointment. The type of disappointment that would make me open the refrigerator 6 or l7 times and stare into it blankly and pull out whatever was in there and eat it. Eat it for god's sake.

Now really. As if that left over piece of chicken or that bowl of cheerios at 11pm is really going to solve any crappy feelings. As if!

Ok, this is me dishing out what makes me tick. Well what used to.

After one last time of things going completely pear shaped, after the predicted outcome was supposed to be fan fucking tastic I made a decision. A really big one.
I no longer try to envision what is going to happen when I go out that front door.

Yes, I know where I am headed (usually!) and I know who I am meeting up with and I know that I won't go out of my way for anybody these days. But what I don't know is what will happen. What ever happens from that point on is clearly up to the situation, and is a gift.

If the weekend is lame, so be it. Let it be lame. It will only let me appreciate the better ones when they are happening.

This, for a Virgo is a HUGE thing. HUGE! So far so good!
Oh, and I no longer need that late night chicken, or nachos, or anything. I just need to rip apart the house and start re-decorating which is a much better use of my time.

PS - Viva espana!

Share

When we were 4 or 5 or as late as 6, we were instructed to share.
Share your toys
Share your food
Share you popcorn
Share your candy
Share the back seat of the car

But at some point this all stopped. Things got competitive. It was all about finishing first - or in the top 10, top of the class, top marks, first place, gold metal, blue ribbon, beat the other kid to the prize.
BE the most popular
HAVE the most friends
GET the best looking viable male / female candidate for reproduction / co-habitation / partner up in the life get the most stuff relay and lock it all away.
Parental stamp of approval guaranteed!

It soon became all about Me, me, me, me, me, or rather you, you, you, you, you,
me,
mine,
leave it alone it's mine,
don't touch it, it is mine,
she is mine, he is mine,
they are MY friends,
this is MY house,
this is MY car,
these are my THINGS.
don't you DARE touch them, don't even THINK about the possibility of getting to hold or use them.

So the whole sharing, caring thing we learned as children. Why?
We are taught to share with others. We are taught to be kind, get along with other people, be inclusive, make sure everybody gets a valentine, (even though we all secretly knew that kid, you know, the one with the funny nervous cough and runny nose he wipes on his green pilled two sizes to large sweater - most definitely won't be getting as many crepe paper hearts with lipstick kisses on them as Sally, Johnny or Ben did).

But once, once in a while in your adulthood (well I AM grown up despite what you may have heard) you witness an act of sharing, that is so simple, yet so profoundly moving, that you can't believe you were there sharing that moment. When that happens, all bets are off. Adults are by my recollection not very good at sharing these days. And when they do, well it is something.

Ok - that is all I can write about this - perhaps it is the Neo-citron talking, or the fact that I am exhausted, but happy. happy. me. happy. yes. happy. For once I don't want for anything at this moment. I am going to enjoy it.

There. I just enjoyed it some more.

Ok - hoping when I re-read this I have not made a complete ass of myself, and this makes sense, but I am going to hit the "publish" button and just release this odd tidbit of my thoughts out for my entire 2 followers to read.

Don't have me committed - I have not gone mad, I am just happy. I had a good weekend ok?

Techonolgy and le grand malade.

I had no idea just how connected, or plugged in I was to the web until I lost service earlier this week. The little white Mac Book I have sitting so quietly looking like
left over storm-trooper parts is a very important tool in my life these days.

Safari decided that he did not wish to live with the rest of my applications, so he moved out without any notice and not as much as a good bye. At first, I thought ok, perhaps Safari is sick or maybe he did not want to hang out, but no - when I called apple help they confirmed that yes, safari did leave. And I would have to go online using a proxy server until they could get him back for me. Using firefox feels like I am cheating on safari somehow, and is good for a quick fix, but not totally satisfying at all.

This is all so odd - not being able to chat with my friends online. It has only been about 4 days, but I miss you all so very much. The up side is that I can browse my fave sites such as facebook *guilty as charged - but that I can't seem to "chat" with anybody.

Contemplating a new camera purchase soon. An Artist friend (xoxoxxox) of mine has a great new camera and is branching off into a new area of work. I am truly enjoying the new art he is producing, although I feel like somewhat of a voier looking and not saying much. His modern art, as well now as photography is stunning, and I don't want to be one out of a hundred women that seem to be in his fan club by paying him gushing public compliments. He seems to have many, many female admirers. Which is rad, but also intimidating. Is that odd? I think we all want to be special to people we have horrible crushes on, no matter what or how often we see them. Mad crushes are horrible - it is better when they chase you I think. A bit of mystery is good, and staying silent sometimes is better than gushing forth streams of compliments, etc. Maybe this Safari outage is a good thing in disguise. Who knows.

Le sigh. I think I will go on another ride and try not to think of the handsome and talented men I am lucky to know.

Life, death and the pursuit of new boots.

Have you ever tried to purchase a pair of boots in the summer? I mean really, go out and go looking for a kick ass pair
of riding boots. I have the exact pair in mind - they have to be kick ass / sexy / edgy and the right shade of brown or black.

My 2 pairs of riding boots have, well, been ridden hard and put away wet (yeah, I know gross) but I took inventory of the boot situation today and decided it was time for another pair.

Right. Summer. Boot shopping. Not going to work. So tell me, why is it that I have to purchase items based on what season it is. Really now, who decided that I did not require boots in the summer. I totally do. And not dumb-ass cowboy "welcome to the stinking Calgary Stampede, I just got of the farm boots" but boots that I can ride in and look good in.

I actually wasted 4 hours looking on line for a pair. 4 hours. ack! time suckage at it's very best/worst..

Oh yeah and I am losing yet another friend who is moving away. Sigh. Maybe this shopping is a distraction from What is really irking me. I live in one of the biggest cities in Canada, yet my friends all seem to live in other places. Calgary, Campbell River, Seattle, Portland and beyond.

So let's see. Today = Friend moving :( / no boots purchased and baby bird got eaten by cat right in front of my window. Yep. And I actually got out of bed today.

Time to pour another Gin & Tonic with pineapple juice for good measure and take stock in today.

Slow and steady

This has been a really slow week for me so far.. I know it is only Tuesday, but I think quiet is the theme this week.

I have mostly been studying, stretched out like a satisfied cat on the roof top patio lounger reading a really trashy novel about New York socialites and a famous apartment building, and hanging out at home. It feels like a week to "regroup and recharge" so that is what I have been doing. Most of my human contact has been via facebook and I am enjoying the conversations I am having. it is soooo 1984.

Sometimes I think it is good to curl up at home and read and be quiet for a while and when I am ready I can emerge into the world roaring.

Oh wait... I did dork out and hit my head this week. doh! Feeling pretty silly about it.

Listened to an interview on CBC this morning with James Mecer & Brian burton (Broken Bells). It was awesome! Mongrel Heart is so far my fave. song on it. If you have not purchased the album I suggest you do!

xoxox

C.

Rainy day musings....

I won't say it. Just can't, but June, you have been a complete wash thus far. A wash as in it is now the 10th day of your Spring/Summer month and I feel as though you are angry with me. What did I do?

Was it that I stayed up too late, went out with , cuddled up with, and swooned over  May - making you think that May was my favourite month?
Was it all the Christmas Cheer in December. Did you see me out shopping, skiing and buying gifts for family and friends?

No wait..wait a minute. I think it was April, yes April when I went to Hawaii and PRETENDED it was June. Is that why you are angry? I was positive you did not see me. Perhaps I was wrong.

Now you can't blame me for wanting a bit of June in April, everybody does, even if they won't admit to it unless you get them in a corner at a boring dinner party after a few glasses of cheap red wine. Eventually everybody tells me their wicked secrets and confesses as to which month they would have rather dated.

If I have to say I am sorry for basking in all that sun and enjoying the surf and the sand before your time...then I will. June, I am truly sorry. I really should have waited for you. You know ho much I adore the way you smell, with your fragrant flowers, the way the grass feels when I slip off my shoes and sink my feet into it's June warmth. And your sun.. when you do bring it out it shines like no other month. It is full of promise, hope and good feelings.

June, you know I love you best, and I am here just hoping and waiting that you will show me that you love me too.

At the very least, could you pretend for a few days - preferably the weekend?

xoxo

Oceans day? How shitty.

Hello Until now I have kept very quiet about the oil spill happening in the Gulf.

I was being rescued by a friend in Seattle on Sunday evening and he mentioned that Canada was lucky as we don't have the horrific catastrophe (don't quote me on this...) that they are going through with the BP oil leaking into the Gulf of Mexico.

I thought about what he said - and you know, I don't consider this an American problem - I consider this the world's problem. On a recent diving trip, somebody told me that the water I was diving into in Hawaii could very well be the same water I swam in when I was in Alaska, or Europe, or anywhere else I had been. We are all affected by this - given not as horribly as the sea life, birds and people living along the gulf coast, but essentially this is bad for the entire planet.

I've listened to some news and radio talk about the oil spill and it is devastatingly sad. I have even sat down and cried about it. I feel so small, so powerless over this catastrophe and without an end in sight the oceans will forever be different, maybe worse.

What the fuck are we doing? How did we get to this point?

My hairdresser and salon owner Missy is collecting hair to send for clean up efforts. So, if you are in Vancouver, go get your hair cut @ Coup Salon - it is a small thing, but it may make a difference.


I am taking a study break right now (reading up on strata properties and management) and hoping to utilize this time to write something more about it, but with an assignment looming and meeting up with people tonight for a Vespa ride, it might not be realistic.

Aspen got into a fight with a shitty pit bull at the beach today . she has a puncture wound below her eye and I had to take her to the vet. - cried about that too. I am just a bundle of nerves lately. Hope the ride tonight cures that.

xoxoxox

Laws of Attraction

I have recently read that "thoughts become things". I am focusing on this concept of the basic law of attraction - like attracts like and thoughts become things.

So from now on I am the most brilliant, magnetic, gorgeous, sexy, attractive, funny and beautiful person you have ever met and you can't stand to think of your life without me in it.

Oh wait... and you have a burning desire to to buy me more expensive shoes. Yes shoes. And a motorcycle. You can't help it.

Fair enough.

xoxox

C.

Regrouping.

Today - no wait - actually most of this week I am weighed down with the most massive sense of disappointment I have felt
in a very long time.
Won't say who. Will not tell you the situation or circumstances, but my stupid belief that somebody would actuate or follow through with something speaks volumes of my desire to truly believe that there are people out there who are not selfish, who are actually understanding and keep their word, and will man-up and not run and hide, no wait, pull the typical apathetic bullshit.
fuck fuck fuck!!!!!

If I could be on the brink my entire life - that great sense of expectation and excitement without the disappointment - that would be the perfect state

That state, that is like when the band first comes out to play - they take the stage, say hello to the crowd and then start in on their first number...that .... that...that is the PERFECT moment. that is the brink....nothing exists at that moment, no promises, no unfulfilled anything.....it feels like you are just about to....... Yes. that is it.


Some days I wish I drank heavily or did drugs or did not care at all. Would that be easier? Perhaps. Perhaps not.

I think I will pour myself a nice cup of green tea, no wait some dark, peaty scotch, think of somebody different, who lives a few hours away, somebody wondeful that I know, want to know better, and want to see again... and curl up on the sofa for a while.

Re-post from 2 years ago!

I was shuffling back in my blog and found this entry from back in 2008. Awesome!!!

This was me then - now, well as most of you know I am surfing the wonderful wave called downsizing and am
content to spend my days blogging, having coffee with friends and making up for all those years I wasted doing nothing at a
desk. he hee. Here you go:


Body of Work
Here I am @ work on a Cold Monday. And I have decided that today's theme will be slack.
I am going to attempt to do as little as possible today - and do it in the most artful way that I know. It definitely helps that I have an office and am able to shut the door. Here is how it is gonna go down:

After I send out a few "under a tight deadline" obligatory e-mails I will walk around with a few file folders stuffed with random printed emails and assorted blank papers - and visit the 4 people that I actually get along with. I will tell them how busy I am - and how tight my deadline is - and that I will be working in my office with the door shut. I will ask if anybody is doing a Starbucks run - and if they can get me something (I am usually the one who happily goes, so this will plant the "busy" seed in their minds).

I will pour myself a green tea - take it back to my desk...hand write a note in a sharpie- "please knock - under a strict deadline" and place it strategically on my door. This says that I am far to busy with my work to actually type out a note and print it off...and gives off the "wow, Caprice is busy" vibe.

I will close the door, but not completely - leave it open just a smidge. That way people can glance in at me as they ALWAYS seem to do when they walk by - It's not a car crash people, move along - and they will see good old me working as hard as I usually do.

I may even dial "o" and asked fashion victim receptionist if she minds picking me up a sandwich @ lunch because I am too busy to go out.... and I know although she is annoyed with me she will let others know how annoyed she is, but really spreading the rumor of how busy I am today.

What I will really be doing:

. Looking for Technical Writing or Creative writing work.
. Reading. I was lent an amazing book that I practically want to eat...and I can't put it down.
. Shopping for shoes on line (thank goodness ebay is not firewalled)
. Monitoring my facebook via gmail - (firewalled facebook sucks IT. I know you use it!)
. Navel gazing

Why?

Well, after checking out some friends link, and having countless friends that work in the movies, I realize that except for being published in Chatelaine magazine 5 years ago, and editing a community paper, that I have no larger body of work to show for my 15 years of work. Sure there are a few office manuals and personnel files kicking around out there, but really, what have I got to show for my years of work? At least a TV show or a Movie shares with others what you do. All this shit I do is meaningless...I mean really - what I do sometimes feels like a make-work project. Designing more efficient ways to group desks, ensuring employees have a health program in place... organizing the Christmas party nobody really wants to attend.

I am feeling the need to create something tangible. Just need it to pay as well. Maybe that is where I went wrong.

I am going to take today to think about it....excuse me while I just prepare these files - and I have a sign to make.

Just a trim.

"Just a trim to keep the ends healthy?" This I totally believed kept my tresses looking good. Apparently I was wrong.

The new stylist in the posh kensington salon leaned in for a closer examination. Her face filled with disgust. "At least 6 inches, what the hell did your person in Vancouver do to your hair?" she said with her icy voice.

If only I had been the kind of person who did not listen to somebody simply because she was skinny and had a sleek black Bob and treated me as If I was a total mess, this story would have ended right here. Instead, I followed her to her to her chair. An hour later and $100 poorer and practically scalped I walked out into Kensington Market a different person. My long hair had been cut into a wedge not the Bob I had been promised. Even worse, as the blonde locks fell to the floor, I was left with what lay beneath them, mousy brown roots. damn. I kept peering at my reflection in various store windows as I walked by them.

That haircut stayed with me for about 2 years, whenever I tried to grow it out, I got weird wings on the side of my face that made me look like a flying nun. I tried to adapt to the change, I wore my hair in tiny pigtails, painted on highlights more frequently, I even had it died it jet black, trying to make the best out of a bad situation. My stupid hair was constantly on my mind. Then I had a brilliant idea - I thought that various shades of bright red lipstick would draw attention away from my stupid hair straight to my lips. I had a basket full of every shade of red Mac and Estee Lauder sold back in the day.

I had no lack of male attention. I was glad I attracted suitors due to my wit and smarts, rather than a gorgeous head of blond hair. Truth be told, I missed the weight of all that hair on my back and shoulders. I missed the way men grabbed into it when we kissed.

That was it. I decided to grow it out. Over the next few years and a few close calls with hair dressers (Caprice.. we should cut it all off.. you have to go short to go long...) I endured the protracted growing-out process. Call me shallow or narcissistic, but i liked the way men admired it. I liked walking around Granville island with my long coat, black boots and yes, abundant blonde hair.

That was 10 years ago. I was a 30 year old without enough self confidence to ignore bad advice. The fact that at my age I have the same hair that I so stupidly allowed somebody to take away from me does not mean that I am not moving forward. It means that I have arrived at a place that I feel fan fucking tastic and I won't let it be taken away from me again.

Ready, set Pack!

List time again to help me re-group and organize my scattered thoughts.
I am actually here in Vancouver for a day more then BAM I am travelling again. Thankfully not very far. I will be out and about, up to no good (hopefully!!) and throwing away my usual fine sense of responsibility. Hells yeah!

Bombay Sapphire Gin
Tonic Water
pineapple juice
new jacket
hunter knee high rain boots (black)
2 pairs of leather riding boots
New red lipstick
Waxing appointment ;)
Pedicure (Why not?)
2 new dresses
new leggings
assorted undies (nice and regular)
jeans
new riding bag
warm jacket
Davida and full face helmet
Iphone loaded.
cash.
Car washed & vacuumed
Vespa tuned and ready.

OMG I am actually looking forward to this weekend. Let's hope I get into much trouble.

C.

Pop Art. I wanna go!

Pop art continues to provoke:

A blockbuster exhibition of works by the world’s foremost pop artists opens at Ottawa’s National Gallery in June, and it’s already stirring controversy for its, well, intentionally controversial content.

Pop Life: Art in a Material World is travelling from the Tate Modern in London, and features some 250 paintings, drawings, sculptures, videos, etc., produced over the past three decades by artists like Andy Warhol, Jeff Koons, and Damien Hirst. The gallery has received the edited version of the show from Tate curators, presumably to avoid some of the issues experienced during the show’s run last year, and some galleries will be off limits to kids under 18 unless they’re accompanied by a parent. I caught a Great discussion on all this on CBC Radio’s Q a few days ago, and you can find details on the exhibition itself via on the National Gallery’s website here.


Fascinating.

Have you ever?

How well do we really know ourselves? Really? Do you really know how or what you would do in certan situations?
Yes? No? Don't know?

I can safely say that I thought I knew myself, but as it turns out, really I don't.

Think about the last time you did something "out of character" something that when and if recounting it you would say "It just was not like me at all".. then stop and think. Maybe, just maybe it is EXACTALLY like you. Maybe, just maybe it is what you want to do, who you want to be.

Let's stop for a moment and think about all the bariers that we blame "life" for putting up for us - but we really put infront of ourselves.

money (or lack thereof)
time
Peer pressure
Fear of disaointment
fear or rejection
self doubt
approval
aceptance of friends / family
hesitation
stying in your confort zone

All the above are shitty, shitty things. Crap. pure crap.

I say FUCK all that - do something today that you have always wanted to do. I don't care if it is trying a different restaurant at lunch, or flirting with that hot married guy who works with you. Go get that puppy you have always wanted. Go buy that dress in Green, red but not the usual black. Book that flight to Paris. Just do it!

Take life by the bollacks and go for it. You never know what will happen if you don't.
And that is an option I am not even willing to entertain.

So call me you idiot because you never know what I am going to say. It might be just what you want to hear.

Fresh start

OK - here is the deal. I look at America is one big movie - or rather many, many, many movies happening at the same time.

What? Yes. Just hear me out. I was thinking this when I was in Maui, sitting on the diving boat with a faux Owen Wilson type, complete with Tommy Bahama shorts, bleached blond "I just woke up looking like this" hair telling us everything he knew about turtles and flirting with all the ladies. Yes, he thought he was Owen Wilson, and had the total Maui lifestyle down pretty good. This included pulling up last minute in a Jeep with surfboard tied to the roof to take us out on our epic adventure. Solid!

You Americans have the ability to reinvent yourself. It's easy... just follow this step by step guide:
Pick a city. Any city. For this example, let's say we want to live in ... oh well I don't know... say Austin Texas. OK. So
pack up your stuff, move to Austin. Get your cowboy hat. Make sure you wear the jeans.. pretty soon you are driving an F150 or a Dodge Ram, hanging out at the local bar waiting your turn to ride the mechanical bull. Perfect.

Let's say you get tired of the old cowboy routine.. that's OK.... you :

Move to L.A. Rent a shitty motel room and go to every audition imaginable, wait tables until you want to scream.. and never land that perfect role. That is OK because it WILL happen, you are making sure it does and to seal the deal you are banging the producer at his Malibu beach house in between auditions, while his wife is at a yoga retreat in Santa Barbara (banging the yoga instructor 20 years younger than she is).

Never did land that movie role? That's ok. You want to try your luck in

Alaska. Yes, you long for the solitude of the wilderness. Get on the next Alaska airlines flight, to Juneau or Fairbanks. Go to the local k-mart (they have them there too now) purchase your checkered mac jacket.. get your fishing gear out, buy a rusty truck, complain about the cruise ships, brag about how cold it really could be and that you have been in colder weather.

For a little while enjoy being the only woman around for 100 miles - that is until you realized that all there are up here are really hairy bearded men who are social rejects. Some time passes and that damn sun never goes down and you can't sleep at all during the summer. Suddenly the thought of never being invited to another party and having to sit in this ugly, cold log cabin playing cards (shudder) with a guy you really don't like named Dan freaks you out, so you quickly pack and head to:

New York! Yes, you shop for sport not for fun, make sure you are on the guest list at all the clubs. You and half of your friends are starving artists, but that is OK because you can take tuns banging each other and then feel awkward and never talk about it, but it totally improves your artistic process and you sit around all day talking about all of your other feelings over coffee in some random place where some 16 year olds are taking turns sticking safety pins in each others necks.

You live off the gratis wine and cheese at all of the gallery and play openings you get invited to. Your wealthy 50 year old married boyfriend (who's wife does not understand him ) buys you the coveted hot pink Luis Vuitton wallet you have always wanted then does not call you again. 3 weeks and many late nights spent crying and sitting at friends drinking gin and going over all the gory details of your failed relatonship with a man waaayyy to old to date, you spot him at a gallery opening making out with your ex-roommate - and she is clutching the very same hot pink Luis Vuitton wallet he gave to you.

Why do I think this is unfair? Because I am am not an American. I may be North American, but that 49th parallell definatley draws the line. I have very few options If I want to move. There are only really a handful of cities I can go to, and let's be honest, Any further east than Vancouver and I am asking for trouble - and stupid winters that go on for 9 months.

I can pretend to be french and move to Quebec. I can pretend to hate the rest of Canada and move to Toronto. I can move to the prairies and pretend I am more important than I really am and always talk about guns and oil and how big my house is.... or I can stay put on the coast and enjoy my temperate climate, European house prices, insane taxes and the fact that there are no happy hours with food that is only $2.00 like there is in the states.

That is why my passport is so damn important to me. 30 Km's to the south of me is a whole land of "theme parks" that I can visit, but can't stay at. You, my American friends have the ability to move and morph yourself to a whole new being whenever the moment takes you. For that I am envious.

I think I need to go and pay more taxes now or something to take my mind off all of this.

Why yes.

I find abundance very reassuring. In a country where no one is afraid of excess, I suspect that you know what I mean. Since moving back to Vancouver, I have lived in small Hong Kong style condos , where there has been little space for an abundance of anything. Visiting other, more grown-up houses, I found myself noticing that a house with a well-stocked cupboard feels altogether more substantial and grounded — as if people actually lived there rather than perched, which is how I always felt in my Hong Kong / New Vancouver style condo.

But in my current town home, there is a kitchen that by Vancouver standards is fairly roomy. When a case of San Pellegrino arrived the other day I realized that if I organized these bottles, then my home would start to feel more like the houses I envy. I also had an epiphany - I could be one of THOSE people that actually buy a case of wine they like. A whole case of wine. in my house. Imagine that!

Since my log basket purchase, I have, naturally, been seeing really good baskets all over the place — for a lot less money, of course! On a visit to Restoration Hardware the other day I found very chic wicker baskets. Now I have one in the kitchen with the bottles all lined up in it. Under my butcher block bar is another basket , purchased at Victoria Ironworks that is stocked with small bottles of tonic water, something I like to have plenty of. In the bathroom, a retro tin tub is heaped with rolls of toilet paper, another thing that I like to have lots of, and the tote eliminates the need for toilet paper holders, which I personally think suck.

And it’s not just about abundance; it’s also about order. I think that is why we get so excited by Martha Stewart and her laundry rooms — it certainly isn’t about doing the washing and ironing! It’s about the comfort that order gives us: shelves stacked with fluffy white towels; large glass jars of laundry powder with metal scoops; smaller jam jars of buttons; and so on. Order — and the ability to reach for things as you need them, rather than constantly running out — is a good thing. And these areas of the house are relatively easy places to achieve it. I can’t tell you how good being able to say "yes, I have as much Mineral water as you like," and I also know my guests won't have to go searching for fresh T.P. when visiting my commode.

Looking beyond the surface

Some vegetables are easy to love. Carrots, tomatoes, cucumbers in season? These are no-brainers.

Summer vegetables are like those young women who wear tank tops with nothing left to the imagination and their skirts cut too high. It’s easy to see what those have to offer.

But winter vegetables, all the knobbly roots? They’re like the smart girl in school, the one with her own sense of style: thrift-store button-down shirts; old skirts, old jewlery, funny glasses. You think she’s too weird for your time. But when she starts talking, and you find out she’s a smart ass, and she doesn’t give a damn if you even like her. Suddenly, she’s far more attractive than that other one.

Summer vegetables are like modern movies. Winter vegetables are witty-banter movies from the 1930s, where dialogue and long looks smoldered. The kiss in that final scene was far sexier than too much skin, any day.

(I don’t where this came from. I’m just going to leave it.)

Really? Shut up!

When you look into the abyss, the abyss also looks into you."
-- Friedrich Nietzsche

So that is who those judgemental eyes belong to - I thought it was my mother. Ha!

In such a silly mood today - maybe it is all the pain killers or the fact that it is gorgeous outside and i am all numbed out on
T3's. Woo hoo!

Also, did you know you can follow your fave celeb's on Twitter? Seriously - I know know how Simon Pegg feels about blue cheese, etc.... (If it is actually Simon). Don't know if this is a good or bad thing, but damn entertaining.

Apparently I have 1 blog follower (Sending out major props Paco!!) and that's it. - hahahah. awesome! Question is, how do you attract more blog traffic to your site? anyone? anyone?

I am going to have a nap.

C.

Frenching... with toast, bananas and blueberries

Lazy Monday afternoon.


Wine: 2005 Bouchard Aine & Fils (Bourgone Region) Pinot Noir.

Banana & Blueberry French toast - or Gorgeous French Toast.

All you have to do is get two nice slices of toast and butter (yes, gasp! butter, which itself is the secret to life I have been told) them on both sides.

In a small bowl, mash up 1 or 2 ripe bananas. when mashed, mix in a handful of blueberries.

Beat a couple of naughty eggs (the naughtier the better I always say) in a large bowl with a couple of small teaspoons of sugar and 1 tsp of really really really good vanilla - the fake stuff is a huge non.

Dip both sides of the bread in the mixture - let the excess drip off and place in your preheated and buttered frying pan.
Put a few tablespoons of the banana mixture onto the bread and spread evenly while it is frying.

Dip another buttered slice of bread into the mixture (as above) and place on top of the first piece and press down so that the fruit is pressed into the bread (don't worry, it will all cook through).

Flip to ensure even cooking. Once the bread is golden and slight crispy, serve with a dollop of creme fraiche or whipped cream, and any left over fruit mixture.

Best served with a a glass of my favourite wine (mentioned above) in your pj's with your dog looking up at you longingly for a bite.

Mon dieu! Quelle orgasmic!

lions, tigers and bears...oh my!

List time. List time! It's list time again.

running out of ice
no clean face cloths
laziness
bitchy Batista's
grumpy people in general
dirty (unclean) library books
smelly elevators
ugly cars
waking up late
rushing off
feigning happiness
rather being somewhere else
apathy
realizing at 7am that you have run out of espresso beans
frizzy hair
when a sales person says "it is the most popular.. or best seller..."
getting called ma'am
hearing other people through walls
wind-shield wipers on an expensive car that don't work for shit.
grocery bill from whole foods
putting on a brave face
being told you are wrong when actually they are factually incorrect
not being said no to - just not said anything to
having your black berry vibrate at 3am and 4am and 6am on Sunday - hell any day
knowing everything and nothing at the same time
hobbits
team building exercises
corporate lunches
people that spit in public
economy class anything
sumpy Chinese grocery stores
dirty sidewalks
cheap hotel bed spreads
neon coloured clothing
one size that does not fit all
condo sales people
unwashed masses

ban underwear

If anybody actually reads this I am home. I almost grabbed onto the last palm tree I saw and refused to check into Westjet for the flight, but alas my time and pocket book were both running out so I had to come back. sigh.

Not much to write. Friends to see - gifts to distribute and jet lag to get over. I need to stop saying Aloha and Mahalo, and begrudgingly remove the flip flops and actually wear underpants again. Seriously - I packed 8 pairs of underpants and only wore one on the flight there and one on the flight back...usually I don't have enough and have to do laundry. I loved living in assorted bathing suits and dresses. Bra and under panties just don't cut it.

First and foremost a visit from the parental units to bestow them with chocolate covered macadamia nuts,
tacky t-shirts and coconut monkeys.

Second of all I have already been to the Italian supermarket, and making a killer batch of baked ziti and Italian sausage for dinner. Need some home made comfort food stat. Too much island pineapple.

Anyone care to join me? I may decide to go commando!


C.

Calling out from the middle of the Pacific

Here I am. smack dab in the middle of the pacific ocean on the island of Maui.
I have been here nearly 10 days. 10 glorious pineapple eating, swim suit wearing, sun tan (and assorted sun burns) having, swimming, whale watching, days of nearly pure bliss. Oh guess what? I have been smiling for 10 days. Pretty rad!

I am happy that I decided to take this holiday, but not happy that I have to share it with the loudest group of North American holiday makers situated in the time-share next to my hotel. They party all night, and then the woman gets up and screams at the tropical birds to "shut up" at 6:30 am.
Seriously lady, like that is going to work! Oh and PS who the hell decided to date you? You have so much class. hahahah.

I admit, this sends me into semi-sleepy giggles on a daily basis. I don't know what is worse, the birds screeching for some lovin' at 6am or, the crazed red-neck drunk screaming at them.

Oh, and neighbour, ps, I don't care what US football team you like. No I don't care how big your last husband's wiener was/is.. and I think your drunken singing to that shitty Sammay Hagar (sp)you blast out of your crappy time share you got sucked into purchasing is lame! I just want to chill out and drink with my friends, possibly read a book and actualy sleep in this expensive hotel room I saved up for.

Don't laugh. I am on Island time - 10pm to me is 1am to those on the west coast, and anybody who has been here knows that on the island you get up early, and Maui midnight is around 9pm. sounds awful but it kinda works.

Speaking of midnight - it is nearly 9pm, and I am tired from a day at the beach chasing waves on my rented boogie board.

Mahalo!

Ps - miss you all
xoxoxox

Beast

Rain Friday night and I am Having some friends over for dinner tonight - am I crazy? I leave tomorrow ha!
Wines of red are on the table, wines of white ilk are in the refrigerator. Ice has been made. mineral water is
chilling.

Menu:
Mustard encrusted Prime Rib
home made bread (yes, I am crazy, but I baked today)
Asparagus spears
Yorkshire pudding (for my English chums)
beautiful 3 peppercorn roast gravy
Assorted red / white wines or a pint of Guinness.

Desert? None planned, but I am sure somebody will bring along something.

Savour the irony of this with me for a moment. I am not at all hungry. Haven't been hungry in about 12 days or so. Went out with my friend for a late night coffee, and he kept asking me what was wrong. He took me to my fav. desert/coffee place and there were rows and rows of cheesecake, pecan pies, chocolate cakes, tarts...and I was not at all interested.

Life is what I am hungry for theses days - and I like it!

Energy drain

I have so much to share for some reason, yet I am being hyper-critical of self this morning and it is really
making me tired. I am questioning everything, and nothing. I am finding raw beauty in strange places.
I am feeling like something in me is being woken up - like I have been sleeping for a long time.

It is so exhausting, but in a good way. I think I am just overwhelmed with raw feelings, sounds, sights, experiences.
It feels really cliche to put this down, but it is what is going on with me.

The worst of this is that I am holding back. Holding back what I am feeling and transforming these into a character in
the book I am attempting to write. I think I am afraid to share what I am holding back as it is far to overwhelming to share just yet. Not ready.

This I do want to share.. These photos that my grandfather gave to me. They are from Italy - he brought them back in 1960 something when he went home for a visit. Theses hung in the little alcove between the entrance way and living room of my grandparent's bungalow forever. I can remember being fascinated by these little photos when I was very young. "where is that" I would as my grandfather - "that, is where you come from, it is home, it is family, it is you".

There is a little chip on one of the frames. 9 year old Caprice did that. I remember this making my grandfather angry. "you just bought the set" he said as he picked it up off the floor of their east Vancouver home.

I still love these paintings. There is no date, no artist name, and I wonder about who painted them. When I look at them I can hear the busy streets of Rome and Florence. I can smell the pungent espresso, hear the people shouting, feel the warm Mediterranean air, smell the lemon and fig trees, feel the cool Italian cotton sheets brush across my skin as I wake up to the sounds of birds singing in the terrace below.

I want to share that with you today.

Packing.

Back home and starting to get ready for the long overdue holiday.

Only I am stuck. Stuck. I don't know why. I can't seem to move. Stuck. I have shopped. I have prepared. I have everything,
except I can't think of where to start. Overwhelmed? Not interested? It is like writers block, only worse.

Shit shit shit shit!

Windy

We had an amazing wind storm last night. And while I feel for those who lost power and were late for work,
I love the awesome power of nature and how it reminds us who is really boss.

The wind cancelled ferry sailings, fell some large trees, caused power outages and had my heart racing until the early hours. The rain came down in giant marbles, as I lay under my 3rd floor sky light and watched it drop out of the sky cleaning up everything in it's wake.

Storms blow in and make the air smell crisp, wet, and clean. All the awful pollution is sent packing, and I can once
again smell the ocean and the cedar trees as soon as I open the front door.

Saturday Special

Yum, It's Saturday. Saturday feels like a "do over" day to me. It is the one day that belongs to you and only you. The one day where you can sleep in as late as you feel like, drink most delicious french press coffee and take your time getting ready for anything. The dog gets a nice walk to the local bakery, croissants get purchased, hello's get said to neighbourhood friends, and you are not worried about watching the clock at all.

The best Saturdays are when you wake up in a hotel room in a distant city, full of possibilities and far away friends that are near, if only for a day or two.

Saturday feels like a long, soft, wet kiss.

Sleepy yawns

movies and Thai food in bed

duvets and forign newspapers

espresso

bakery fresh croissants

book store

gin, tonic and limes

sidewalk with bits of leaves and seeds 

lawn mowers

cement slabs wet  and slick with fresh rain and
olives slippery and tart

french cheese

newspaper wrapped flowers

scooter rides in far away cities with friends old and new

more espresso.

hair pulled back, sunglasses on

You. You looking dashing. You with all of your confidence. You know who you are.

2 years later....

Two years!! It has been two years since I last blogged. Wow.

I just re-read my last entry - wow. Yes, I was wooed away from my former employer to my past employer and 2 years later I find myself yet again out of that relationship.

It was amazing while it lasted - like a whirl-wind romance full of hope, promise and free university eduction courses, pension and benefits up the wazoo. It was great. It is over.
I am still coming to terms with the fact that it is over, but this time it was me who ended the relationship. I walked away.

Brave, stupid or both? Who knows, but the beast churns ahead and I had to jump off that train.

I am just finding my footing and learning to appreciate slowing down and having a tea in the middle of the day and nothing to do but walk the dog.

I have taken out my canvasses, oils, acrylics and have started a painting. I have also started painting the walls of the townhouse bright colours - tired of the dull greys and modern browns that are so ho-hum. I am longing for the shocking orange of koi - bright pinks, unappologetic . I am slowly welcoming colour back into my life. It is awesome!

I am also writing again. and i am quite pleased with how much I have done and am learning not to pressure myself so much. I am also hoping that this can continue for a while longer before I have to call up my head hunter and put back on a suit.

This is going to be good while it lasts.