Regrouping.

Today - no wait - actually most of this week I am weighed down with the most massive sense of disappointment I have felt
in a very long time.
Won't say who. Will not tell you the situation or circumstances, but my stupid belief that somebody would actuate or follow through with something speaks volumes of my desire to truly believe that there are people out there who are not selfish, who are actually understanding and keep their word, and will man-up and not run and hide, no wait, pull the typical apathetic bullshit.
fuck fuck fuck!!!!!

If I could be on the brink my entire life - that great sense of expectation and excitement without the disappointment - that would be the perfect state

That state, that is like when the band first comes out to play - they take the stage, say hello to the crowd and then start in on their first number...that .... that...that is the PERFECT moment. that is the brink....nothing exists at that moment, no promises, no unfulfilled anything.....it feels like you are just about to....... Yes. that is it.


Some days I wish I drank heavily or did drugs or did not care at all. Would that be easier? Perhaps. Perhaps not.

I think I will pour myself a nice cup of green tea, no wait some dark, peaty scotch, think of somebody different, who lives a few hours away, somebody wondeful that I know, want to know better, and want to see again... and curl up on the sofa for a while.